Being Comfortable with the Uncomfortable
Since starting my journey as an AmeriCorps member serving with the Lakes Region Conservation Corps at the Squam Lakes Association, I have endured situations that have made me quite uncomfortable. I knew coming into this experience there were going to be tough positions I would be put in but I did not expect how distressing they would be. I was not going to let myself give up easily and therefore had to face the discomfort. In these situations, I knew that I was safe and consequently felt like I had to give it a valiant try. As I have moved through life, I have learned that branching out and experiencing new things is what makes you grow as a person.
I was nervous when I arrived in Holderness. I was immediately introduced to, for the first time, the nine people I would be living with for the next six months. Throughout the first few days of service, I met the staff at the Squam Lakes Association and the six full-time AmeriCorps members. I get nervous when meeting new people, not knowing what to say after the initial “Hi, I’m Elly, I’m from the Adirondacks, what about you?”. I would expect other people to carry the conversation from there. Of course, as time goes on, conversation flows easier as you spend time with folks and share experiences with them. It was difficult to put myself out there initially, getting to know one another. But everything came together in the end. Few folks have come and gone since the initial meeting but over these past couple of months so far, I have made meaningful connections with people I would otherwise not have met. These are some of the most interesting and full-of-life people I have ever befriended and it has been a privilege getting to know each and every one.
During the first month of service, we went through extensive training to prepare us for what we would be doing throughout our term here. One of the most difficult for me was the SSI Open Water Diver Certification. I had been SCUBA diving before so training hours spent in the pool was something I was used to. But when we went out on Lake Winnipesaukee to do our certification dives, I had never pushed through my anxiety like that before. Diving to depths of about thirty to forty feet, where the water gets extremely cold and it gets quite dark. Large fish are lurking through the somber water and do not mind one bit getting up close and personal to check you out.
One of our tasks, as AmeriCorps members is to SCUBA dive to remove the aquatic invasive species, variable milfoil. This tedious task also brings up some anxieties. We have to get up close to the towering tendrils that seem to swallow you into the monoculture as you reach in to tear up the rootball. Which of course disturbs the muck on the bottom, quickly engulfing you in a dark cloud of silt, with visibility close to none. And on top of that my mind races for all the creatures that could be close to me, including snapping turtles, catfish, and the largemouth bass that seem to enjoy stalking me. I have been diving to remove milfoil for two months now and am just starting to feel confident when I am down there.
Another task we do is campsite caretaking while solo camping on Moon Island for five days at a time. I immediately regretted my decision to leave behind my tent when I stepped inside the caretaker cabin. I knew there were going to be spiders which I normally do not mind. However, I counted at least twelve massive dock spiders scattered all over the cabin. Before heading to bed I thought it was a good idea to shine my headlamp across the ceiling, all I could see were all of the eyes glaring back at me. It is safe to say I did not sleep a wink that first night. Over the next couple of days, I became content with the fact that there were spiders, after all, they were taking care of all the unwanted mosquitos and other bugs that made their way into the cabin.
Most recently, I led my first Adventure Ecology program, A Morning Meander of Magnificent Mosses. I was hesitant about wanting to do it because I had never done anything like that before. Leading a public environmental educational program was not something I ever thought I would do. I felt awkward and had anxiety that I was not doing a good enough job. As we were finishing up, the participants assured me that they enjoyed the program and had gained knowledge from the information that I had shared. The second on the Adventure Ecology was Meg who also reassured me that it went very well and that I did a good job. Throughout my term here I have spent a lot of time in a public-facing position whether that be trail hosting or lake hosting here at the SLA’s boat launch or the public launch on Route 113. I have had hundreds of interactions with strangers, which for most of the time have gone well but of course, there are a handful that left me feeling sour. Being a genderqueer and a nonbinary person, I get misgendered often which does not make me feel good. But I do not let the bad interactions keep me from going out and talking to the next person.
I grew up an extremely anxious child. Debilitating anxiety kept me from going out of my comfort zone and trying new things that seemed scary to me. I considered myself solely an introvert until very recently when I discovered that I have grown to be an ambivert. My introverted younger self would be astounded by the change and progress I have brought into my life. Interacting with hundreds of strangers and making all of these new friends. I have spent so much of my life hiding behind anxiety and I will no longer run away from that discomfort. Instead, I will embrace it, acknowledging that fear is a natural human reaction. I now know that I can accomplish anything I put my mind to and push through the uncomfortable bits. And through all of those tough experiences, after they were over I always got to experience the feeling of great relief and contentment from accomplishing the difficult tasks. I am extremely proud of myself for being courageous through the distressing times and through that becoming comfortable with the uncomfortable.
Elly is a half-term member serving at the Squam Lakes Association. In their free time you may find them going for a walk in the woods checking out neat wildlife, swimming no matter the season, reading books found in tiny free libraries, or tele skiing when there's snow. Learn more about Elly here!