I hate scary movies because they keep me up at night. I always find myself thinking that someone’s going to come out of my closet to hurt me, knock me unconscious while I’m in the shower, or follow me while I’m on a walk. The likelihood of these scenarios happening is slim, I know, but that’s what fear does to you.
The kind of fear that I experienced before coming to New Hampshire wasn’t the fear that horror films give me, but an anxious fear. I’ve never lived in a small town, only worked in an office setting, and my outdoor recreation experience is mediocre at best. In the weeks leading up to my flight, my mind was racing with worried thoughts: Will Holderness feel too isolated? Am I actually capable of driving a boat or hiking everyday? What if I don’t connect with the other people in this program? Am I going to regret this? I was in unfamiliar territory, and it was unsettling. The only thing I knew for sure was that these 10 months are going to be full of surprises.
Well, I’ve been in Holderness for three weeks now, and I can say that I have only had good surprises, so far. I don’t know how many people can say that they have a lake in their backyard, but I sure can. Squam Lake is directly behind the SLA office, and we can see it from our window in the cottage. When I saw it for the first time, I thought, This is so cool!, all while trying to stay cool myself. I haven’t visited many lakes in my life, so the beauty of Squam hit me a lot harder than I would have guessed. The fact that it’ll be my home base for almost a year will never not be exciting to think about.
The bigger surprise, however, has been the people. One of my larger concerns going into this program was who I would be experiencing it with. When the LRCC bios were posted on SLA’s website, I looked once but decided it was best not to look again. Reading bios always comes with prejudgments, and there was no way I would be immune to that. Yet, it was hard not to worry about the relationships I would have with these people. I mean, we were going to be serving and living together for nearly a year. A lot can happen in that time. How would things pan out? Now that the program has started and I’ve been living with them for a few weeks, I realize that I was wrong to worry. Yes, we all have different personalities, hobbies, and energy levels, but we make it work. We talk to each other about our days, projects, and the places we want to see while we’re here. We sit and watch TV, do a puzzle, or play video games in the living room. Sometimes, someone will play their instrument while the rest of us listen on the couch. We’re in a comfortable place, and I hope it stays that way.
While it’s too soon to tell what New Hampshire really has in store for me, I know that this will be a period of growth. I’m starting to understand that being scared isn’t a sign of weakness, but a sign of action. I was anxious about coming to Holderness because it was something I had never done before — but wasn’t that the whole point of me doing it in the first place?
One of the shows we’ve been watching in the cottage is Fear Factor, where the contestants win a prize if they get through all of the fear-inducing challenges. I think of these next 10 months as my personal Fear Factor. I may not be doing crazy stunts, but I’m confronting the unknown, unfamiliar, and unexpected. I won’t be winning a grand prize at the end of it, but I hope that I’ll leave with so much more: fun memories, lifelong friends, and a better understanding of who I want to be.
Nikka is a full-term member at the Squam Lakes Association. Nikka’s degree is in Environmental Studies, with a double minor in Political Science and Communication from Manhattan College. Learn more about Nikka here!