Kudos to Samantha Pierce, who came up with the idea for this subject and never let me hear the end of it.
I come from a family of humorous conspiracy theorists. When in college, my brother wrote for an online newspaper called The Odyssey, and published a piece called “Bananas: Agents of Chaos”. Needless to say, the publisher he wrote for was not amused, but in the face of censorship the piece was still published. As a student of environmental science, I can recognize that the electromagnetic behavior of banana peels is outside of my realm of expertise; however, I know birds, and I can confidently tell you that birds are the subject of many conspiracy theories. My favorite of which, one that you may have heard before, is that birds aren’t real.
You read that right. Birds, our avian friends who reside in our trees, our barns, and our skies, are nothing more than government drones designed for surveillance and control. The evidence is plainly in front of your eyes, and all you have to do is look at it and ask questions that you have been told to ignore. Birds are of fascinating design, and there is no natural way that they could be anything less that robots created in the 1960s by the CIA. Let’s look at the evidence, and you will quickly see that there is plenty that cannot be easily dismissed.
Birds can function anywhere, much like robots. No human can survive living at sea for an extended period of time without a source of fresh water, and yet birds such as loons, terns and eiders do it with no problem. Obviously machines do not need to drink water to function, the salt water that they drink has no different effect than the freshwater found throughout the Squam watershed. Either that is the case, or the scientific lies about birds having the ability to filter salt out of the water using a specialized gland is actually true.
It’s beyond birds drinking salt water that is suspicious. They can fly. Birds have attained the ability to fly, to motor through and beyond the natural forces of gravity. Other animals can fly, that is true. But none can fly to the degree that birds can, with an almost mechanical competence that seems surreal and artificial. Watch other, non-avian, animals fly and you will notice a stark difference in behavior and flight motion. Bats, bees, and butterflies alike all flutter and move without an extreme precision, seemingly at the whims of wind. Furthermore, unlike birds, these animals move through intense force, clearly exerting a lot of energy for the sake of flight; contrarily, birds find ways to float in the air, either taking advantage of the air currents or employing hidden engines and rotors to hover (much like a drone). Sure, science says that their “feathers trap tiny air sacs to help increase their buoyancy” and that “I should leave them alone and stop sending them emails”, but true sceptics know that these are merely excuses in an effort to hide the truth.
Bird designers have even become specialists, it would seem. Not only are they getting away with mass deception, but they feel the need to make it blatantly obvious as they outsmart and blind the public; they’ve started making different types of birds. Not only are there birds that fly in the sky, there are birds that can fly through the water. Loons, if you believe what they tell you, are capable of diving over 200 feet deep. At that depth, they experience 6x more pressure than we feel at the surface. That’s a lot of pressure, and under that much pressure, any eggs that they are carrying should crack, right? Sure, the pressure is coming from all sides, and eggs are shaped to deal with equal force, but 7 atm is a lot of pressure.
In order to control the government drones, which some people call birds, there has to be a communicative network used to input direction and transcribe information. Lo and behold, birds have been found to be able to detect the presence of magnetic fields, using the presence to travel long distances in processes called “migrations”. These migrations, which can be composed of thousands of birds, are a very convenient excuse for mass groups of birds to leave an area. The alleged explanation is that they avoid foul weather and lack of food availability, but in reality we all know that the CIA simply needs an opportunity to perform seasonal maintenance on their drones.
The evidence is overwhelming; there are simply too many examples of birds being capable of incomprehensible feats for them to be the product of evolution. Obviously, the only explanation is that birds are artificial. Some people claim that birds evolved from dinosaurs, and that over the course of 65 million years the animals have become adapted to specific areas; conversely, others believe that the CIA replaced all birds with drones in order to monitor the public’s activity. I can’t tell you what to believe (although you should believe me), but before you blindly accept birds as natural, consider what they’re capable of. It sure seems surreal.
Recently, myself and my co-servers have started loon chick watching. You may have seen us out on the water, encouraging other boaters to steer their boats away from loon families. Perhaps we are looking out for the local ecosystem, protecting vulnerable endangered species from anthropogenic harm; alternatively, perhaps we are scouting the machines, attempting to discover their weaknesses in order to protect ourselves and our loved ones. Just as the machines are watching us, we are watching them. And when the time comes, we will be ready.
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Obviously, this article is purely satirical. I have worked with birds at all life stages, and I can verify that they are living animals. This written piece was nothing more than a humorous method for delivering interesting pieces of information, and should not be taken as a political discourse of any sort.
Jack is a hard-working member of the LRCC team at the Squam Lakes Association. You may find him tackling the to-do list, hiking Mt. Morgan in the dark, or keeping a veeeery close eye on our feathered friends. Learn more about Jack here!