A little something to know about me: I hate change. Despise is a word that comes to mind. It’s not something I particularly appreciate about myself, but I’ve grown to accept the inevitable. Hard to go very far in life without coming across it here and there, though, you know? Change is inescapable, and being able to roll with it in the face of any fear or anxiety is an important skill (and I’ve got plenty of those, mind you. Fears and anxieties, that is). I think I’ve recognized my distaste for all things new and unknown for awhile now, hence a couple of attempts to force myself to ‘get out there’ and ‘expand my horizons’ in the face of my fears. One of which involved literally seeking horizons on the opposite side of the country, where the sun rises over the ocean instead of sets over it.
I’m from Oregon, and prior to my undergrad, I’d only ventured a few states from home. So when I decided to jump to the land of the other Portland for school, it was a pretty big step for me. I’ll spare you the details of the quarter-life crisis consuming the weeks before my departure, but I was nervous out of my mind. In retrospect, the most important part of this 2,500+ mile journey for me, which involved a cross country flight, sleeping in an airport, taking a bus, and likely being swindled by a taxi driver (how many more miles did I pay for on the scenic route versus the highway, hmm?), was that I could simply do it. And I’d figured, after this major leap into uncharted territory, that I’d be cured of my anxieties surrounding the unknownness that plagues any big changes. False. I couldn’t have been more wrong.
So, when I was making the 4-hour drive to the Squam Lakes Association from neighboring Maine, I found myself burdened once again with the unwelcome anxiety accompanying the unknown. My mind running a mile a minute with the possibilities, it became more and more difficult to remain calm as the minutes to my destination descended with each passing mile. I still remember the first sentence I uttered when I got here. Alex was in office that day and welcomed me, and asked where I drove from. In my classic eloquence, I told him I ‘droove’ over from Maine (facepalm).
Embarrassment and pre-arrival jitters aside, eventually I did settle in to life at the SLA. I mean, a place or experience can only be new to you once. That being said, the new experiences to be had this summer didn’t end there. I mean, I’m still coming across new places or new tasks to be anxious about even now, almost four months into the term.
When we went loon banding on a summer night, I was terrified of handling the loons—what if I hurt them? Turns out, they’re not exactly delicate, and holding one as we boated to release it in the cove it calls home is a memory that won’t be escaping me anytime soon. Once, I was assigned to help with the water quality University of New Hampshire does for the SLA by boating them around Squam to numerous sites all around the lake. Some of their monitoring sites took us to the far reaches of the lake, through unknown (to me) waters and narrow channels. My anxieties saw their chance and struck again, with thoughts of the dangers hidden beneath the surface in wait for an unsuspecting boater to come through and destroy their boat’s propeller circling my mind like vultures. Maybe no one is shocked to find out that everything was fine. In fact, it was pretty amazing seeing some parts of the lake that I would never otherwise get the opportunity to experience.
There will always be something around the corner to toy with my anxieties, but with each new experience that I’ve successfully navigated without the consequences plaguing my thoughts coming to pass, I learn that no matter what comes my way, I’ll be able to manage.
Dani is a half-year member of the Lakes Region Conservation Corps serving at the SLA. You can read more about Dani here.